06 September, 2011

BLOG: The Longest Six Months of My Adult Life…

Hopefully what I look like in the future! 

In the past six months I’ve learned a lot about myself and some other things. Back in March I ran into problems that I had never had to face before in my life and the whole thing left me shaken. I’m not going to go into what happened but let’s just say mistakes were made. Now I’ve never been the upbeat type more like the overly depressed type. Up till March I was rocking and rolling with my life and felt that things were finally on the right track for me. I had joined a gym and was going three to four times a week and my efforts were paying off! I managed to drop 67lbs from my body and was feeling amazing! Then boom all that changed. All the things I loved and enjoyed doing was ripped from me over stupidity and there’s no other way to put it.

In the past six months I’ve been in a constant state of depression with fear and anxiety that had at one point almost caused me to take my own life. It’s never easy admitting to yourself or other the feelings you have/had but I feel like this is a good way to do it. Now everyone has fought depression in some shape or form over their live’s and understand that people feel down for a while and usually bounce back from it. I have never been one to bounce back from the hole of depression but instead I pull out the shovel and dig deeper into it. My brain is broken and people have tried to fix it but it doesn’t work unless they put me into “zombie” mode with pills and honestly that is by far worse to me than fighting my depression.

Things have not gotten much better for me in this six month time frame either. Between the unknown things going on with my employer the complete lack of a love life and the social anxiety it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But the whole time I’ve tried to keep a smile on my face, be a great friend, a supportive brother, and understanding son and a fun uncle. All the while inside me there has been a raging storm of anger and sadness. I smile like an idiot like nothing in the world is bothering me. But within these six months I have learned more about myself than I ever could have thought possible and as I type this out my reflections only further stoke the fires of change that burn inside my heart.

I have decided to rededicate myself to the gym and lose the remaining 40lbs that haunt my mirror. Even with all the crap going on I managed to keep all but 10lbs of the weight I lost off and that is an achievement all in its self! Hopefully with the loss of that extra 40lbs my love life will turn around. I want to be the man that I always dreamed and hoped I would be one day and starting now I am going to work my ass into the ground to become that person. Lord I want to be a good man, I want to be a strong man I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see. (Yeah I quoted a country song! Come at me Bro!) 

It’s not only my body that I’m aiming at changing. I want to be the best friend anyone can have, someone who is there when is needed. I want to be the son my parents can be proud of and for them to hold their heads up when they say “Yeah that’s my boy”. I want to be the older brother that my younger brother deserves in his life. Give him guidance and lift him up when he’s down. When I find a girlfriend I want to make her the happiest woman on earth and for her friends to say “I wish I had a man like that”. I want to be the man who is the rock in people’s lives. I don’t just want to change I need to change!

These are changes that no one but me can make and only I can make myself do these changes. You have to want it for yourself and driven to be the person you want to be. My demons and mistakes have thought me many things in what has seem like a life time over only a few short months and I plan to take full advantage of them! I will do this for me and me alone but with my effort and determination it will be better for everyone I know. I will rise from all of the problems of my past and be reborn as that person I want to be! I’m going to keep updating this site with my progress and undoubtedly some setbacks along the way.  

Hopefully with my struggles and victories I can inspire or help someone who is just like me. Follow along if you want I’m sure it will be boring at some point but this feels like something I have to do! Thanks for reading my little post and remember depression is nothing to joke about and if you’re feeling like ending your life don’t do it! Call a friend, talk to a loved one, call a hot line or contact me! It’s hard to talk about things lord do I know but ending your life is never an option! 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting keep up the good work and good luck I understand what your are going through when I do I remember what my dad said to me when i was going through depression in high school " feeling sorry for yourself accomplishes nothing " so don't give up great job losing the weight and keep up the great work !